From a discussion on Kuro5hin about privacy and supermarket cards:
*ring*ring*
“Mmm, hello??”
“Hello, could I speak with Mr. Chapman, please?”
“This is he”
“Good afternoon, Mr. Chapman, how are you today?”
“Mmm, ok…is this a telemar..”
“I’ll be brief Mr. Chapman. This is Safeway(tm) foods calling. Our computer shows that you’ve recently moved to San Francisco, is that correct?”
“Um…yea, I suppose so.”
“And that you’ve been here for more than 30 days, is that correct?”
“I guess. What’s this about?”
“As per public ordinance 89.5T/9, you have thirty days from establishing residence in the Bay Area to apply for a Safeway food club card. Failure to do so can result in a fine of no less that $40.95 and possible jail time of up to seventeen minutes. We strongly recommend that you correct the situation immediately.”
“Excuse me??”
“We don’t play games here in San Francisco, Mr. Chapman. This is your only warning.”
“But I don’t even shop at Safeway.”
“That sort of attitude will NOT win you any favors with the judges in this district Mr. Chapman. If this matter is not corrected, you will be visited by the San Francisco Police Department, Safeway division.”
“Uh..”
“You can fill out an application at any Safeway, Ikea over Oakland, Pacific Bell’s main branch or one of any number of Starbucks coffeehouses in the lower peninsula. Have a nice day and remember. We own you.”
I also liked this one:
“The first rule about Ralph’s Club is…don’t talk about Ralph’s Club.”