On being told you’re ugly: “I may be ugly, madam, but you are drunk, and… hey, wait…”
On what your tattoo means: “I got it in prison for killing someone who asked too many questions.”
On borrowing a time machine: I did. I returned it before I used it.
On the kindly brontosaurus: There’s a posture you can use when you need something from someone — stand quietly, lean slightly forward, hands loosely clasped in a faintly prayerful arrangement. I learned about it years ago and now I do it without thinking. It works. It’s called “The Kindly Brontosaurus.”
On being asked if you can have a minute to talk about Jesus: “No, thank you.”
On the most useful thing in your glove compartment: A pair of gloves. You never know when you’re going to need to deal with something filthy. And what’s a glove compartment without gloves?
On buying a luxury car to show off your wealth: If you’re considering a luxury car, you are not actually wealthy. Wealthy people purchase companies and politicians. Near-wealthy pikers purchase controlling stock and very expensive commercial real estate. People who have no idea what “wealth” means consider purchasing automobiles.
Collected from a number of Quora answers.