On time travel: I returned the time machine before I used it.
On atheism: I’m not okay with you not being okay with me being an atheist. Are you okay with me not being okay with you not being okay with me being an atheist? Who cares? Believe whatever historical fantasy fiction literature you’d like — Lord of the Rings, New Testament, Koran, whatever. I will continue to believe in none of it. And don’t make laws based on your fiction.
On hell: If you’re in a situation where you’re having to kill zombies, you’re already in hell.
On personal questions: I go ahead and answer directly, with added details, far more personal than they were expecting. I invent repulsive stories if necessary. I make them regret having asked.
On bacon: What is something bacon does not improve? My cholesterol level.
On the best seat on an airplane: The left one, in the little room in the very front, the one with all the controls.
On religion in public: Religion is like a penis. It’s nice to have one and fine to be proud of. Don’t whip it out in public or shove it down someone else’s throat.
On a gun with one bullet and a time machine: I’d pop a cap in Mitochondrial Eve before she had any kids, and solve all these problems at once.
On the lottery: Most lotteries have about a 50% return, so it’s easy to double your odds. Just don’t play.
On the fly going 5mph inside a car going 90mph: The fly is in a vehicle, on a planet rotating several hundred miles an hour depending on how far you are from the equator, going around the sun at 67,000 mph, the solar system is travelling through the galaxy, the galaxy is traveling through the universe. How fast are you moving when you are sitting still?
On the best steak: Prime Rib.